Category Archives: Reflection

About Death

If there’s anything that I hate the most, is death. All in all, I hate goodbyes, and death is that inevitable goodbye that couldn’t be undone. This is why I hate funerals, obituaries, or even the simplest goodbye like taking someone to the airport. I hate the idea of seeing someone for the last time and not meet them again ever, because deep down you know that death is always lurking and hit you when you least expect it.

I don’t consider myself to be a devout Catholic, but I believe that God created us for a reason. We live for that reason, and as long as we haven’t finish it, we’re “stuck” here on earth. Some people live for 100 years for that, and some die in a matter of minutes. I think their life span means something, sometimes even they don’t know what it is, and it’s up to us to understand what it means.

I believe in the saying “only the good die young”. I believe that if someone is so good, or even angel-like, she/he won’t live long, because God doesn’t want them to be contaminated with sins. So far, friends my age that have died has always been good people. They were all kind-hearted, impossible to hate, and loved my many. Their death has always been very sudden, and all died a peaceful death, surrounded by their family and close friends, who cried their heart out.

If there’s any good thing about death, it’s a reminder about time.

It reminds us that us humans don’t live long, and that sooner or later we will perish under any circumstances.

It reminds us that moments with our family and friends will not last forever, because they, too, will pass away, and become mere memories.

It reminds us of what we’ve done so far in our lives, whether we’ve been good or bad to those around us.

But lastly, and most importantly, it’s a reminder of what we have in our lives, and if we’ve been taking it for granted. We never know what we have in our lives until they’re gone, and in the end death will remind us in the cruelest way possible: by taking them away from us.

And you know what, even after all that “reminder” things above, I still don’t consider death “a beautiful thing”. Not even for a bit.

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The Trouble with (One-Sided) Love Is…

Getting over someone you love is hard. It’s harder when you’re getting over someone whom you had a one-sided love to. For once in our life we will somehow experience this, and for some of you, it may not be an easy process to get through.

Saying “I love you” can be liberating. To say it out loud after holding it in for so long, only to have it broken down in pieces when they say “No.”….well I can’t really describe how it feels.

The most beautiful and bold saying in love can be your greatest remorse. It leaves you alone with the regret, and you keep asking yourself, “Why did I say that?”

For what it’s worth, I like you.
And what is worse, I really do.
Things happened worse,
and we had fun fun fun ’til I said I love you.
And what is worse, I really do..

The Cardigans – For What It’s Worth

In season 7 episode 22 of How I Met Your Mother Ted portrayed the people who tried to get over someone they loved, but didn’t love them back. He’s been in love with Robin since the first episode, and even though they became a couple once, he still couldn’t get over her completely. The last confession (when Robin said no again) really struck him, and he’s having a hard time forgetting her. He sees her every time he’s with other girls, and even have imaginary conversations with her in his head. He grew tired of this, and this “conversation” happened:

Ted (T): Why are you still here?
Robin (R): Why do you think I’m still here?
T: I guess… because I’m in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?
R: Because you feel bad.
T: Of course I feel bad. I told you I love you, which is apparently the worst thing you can say to someone
R: That’s not why you feel bad. You feel bad because after you said it, you let me go away.. I know our relationship isn’t exactly what you want it to be… and I know I may not love you the way you love me… but I do love you. Isn’t that worth hanging on to..?


Sometimes you wish that your feelings for someone can be turned on and off like a lamp. But it can’t. Because things may not always work out the way we want it to be, but it’s for the better. It always is.

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Expect the Expectations

Recently there’s this movie entitled What to Expect When You’re Expecting, which was one of those best-seller-book-made-into-a-movie. Of course, this blogpost will not be about babies or pregnancy. I’m currently thinking about expectations, how it usually ruins an experience for trying out something new. It could be about movies, books, or even a relationship.

Recently I bought two books from an online bookstore. One book I loved so much, I decided to give my review on the book, and the other, I hated so much. That book was an omnibus or also known as an anthology (one book with multiple writers), in which one of the writers was one of my favorite writer, while the other was someone I know (I don’t need to tell the details). I expected so much from these two writers, especially after I had a great time reading my first book that I ordered.

But I was very disappointed. In the words of Yoda, “Disappointed, I was.”

The book was REALLY boring. I even regretted that I bought it in the first place. Some of the comments regarding the book made me anxious to read it. Some of them said it was “very touching”, “made me want to travel”, et cetera et cetera. But not me. Not even for a bit. Maybe I expected so much, or maybe that book was not for me. Still, I was very disappointed.

If I looked back, the disappointment I felt came from my expectation about that particular book. I expected it would be “very touching” and such, but it didn’t. I thought the writing would be very satisfying, but it didn’t.

Recently a friend of mine also been expecting a particular movie. She’d been expecting it for a while, and didn’t read any reviews or synopsis of the movie. She only watched the trailer once, and it was on accident. After she watched the movie, she was disappointed, because it failed her expectation.

Expectation kills, huh?

It’s really hard not to expect so much on something you’ve been expecting for a while, isn’t it? So, should we stop expecting or start wishing for the best instead?

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I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You. Really?

Question of the day: is it possible to like, or even fall in love with someone you haven’t met in person?
My answer: YES.

I think it’s quite an easy question to answer. There are many news about two persons who met in social medias such as Facebook, and they end up with marriage vows. Although sometimes it doesn’t end so well. Some ended up getting raped, some guy married a girl (who turned out to be a guy too), some divorced over relationship status in Facebook or wall-to-wall activities.

About ten years ago, the above question kinda became a rhetorical question. It’s a definite NO. No further explanations here. You haven’t even met the person, how can you even like or love them? And by like or love, I mean some stranger, an ordinary person, not a celebrity (I’m not saying that celebrities are not ordinary people though..). But nowadays, it’s really possible.

In my own humble opinion (and experience ;)) it’s easier to get to know someone via their activities in social medias, whether it’s what they tweeted, what they wrote in their status updates, what photos they uploaded, how they comment other statuses, and so on. Of course, you have to stalk them, but hey, aren’t people became a natural stalker when they fall in love? They want to know what the person is doing, who they’re doing it with, what’s his/her new haircut look like, whom they hang out with, or whatever it is people stalk a Facebook or Twitter account for these days. Curiosity drives them to follow the updates of the people they like/love.

It’s really apparent that what they share online (whether it’s their tweets, status updates, or blog posts) can’t really define what they really are in person. For example, people who always complain about their life can’t really be defined as a childish person. People who always share their incredible love life can’t really show that they have a happy relationship; they could be in the verge of a breakdown, who knows? Who they are online, shows a piece of their personality, what they really like in person. It might not always true though. Some people might take advantage of your good will.

For those of you who are currently falling over someone you met online, I can only hope for the best for you. Remember to take care of yourself, and always remind yourself that if you can fool others by showing your good and likeable sides, so can they.

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Enlightenment after Mata Najwa

Today I attended Mata Najwa featuring Indonesia Mengajar’s talkshow entitled “Peran Pemimpin Muda dalam Pendidikan” or can be translated into English into “The Role of Young Leader in Education” in my campus’ auditorium. For some people, this talkshow might be boring (my friend actually slept in the middle of the talkshow!) and uncomfortable (since today was very hot in Surabaya, and there’s about 4000 people in one auditorium, so it’s really really cramped!), but for me, the talkshow is a respond for my critics in previous post about Indonesia’s educational system.

First of all, it’s really embarrassing for me to write this post, but think of this as my redemption. After the talkshow, i feel ashamed for my last post 😦

Today’s talkshow talks about Indonesia Mengajar, a movement founded by Anies Baswedan (the Rector of Paramadina University) to send some young teachers (most of them are fresh graduates from universities all around Indonesia) to remote areas in Indonesia. Basically, they teach in that area for a year, then a new teacher from Indonesia Mengajar will replace him/her in that area. I think this is a renewed form of service for the country, since education has been a serious problem in Indonesia since its independence in 1945.

From the talkshow, there’s a few notes that I made about educational problem in Indonesia:
– most of the kids in Indonesia have attended school, but there are about 3 million of them who haven’t finish it.
– the quality of Indonesian student is still very low compared to students in Taiwan, Korea, Singapore, and Japan.
– the number of teachers in Indonesia (especially in remote areas) is not enough compared to its students.
– the quality of the teachers in Indonesia is still very low. From a range of 1-11, the highest quality (in East Java) is still on 4.6, which is not even half of the proper level.

Therefore, Mr. Baswedan created this movement, inspired by PTM (i forgot the abbreviation of this) program in 1950s where university students teach in remote areas for 2 years. But it’s not the movement that i want to write about.

The highlight of this ”talkshow” (i prefer it to be called a seminar, since Mr. Baswedan mostly talks about the movement, and answering the questions from the spectators), is Mr. Baswedan himself. He is a very positive (and very inteligent man) to view the problems in Indonesia. Instead of criticizing the government (like myself :() he’s doing something about it. One of his motto that ”slapped” me the hardest is:

Stop cursing the darkness and start lighting the candles

In founding Indonesia Mengajar, he didn’t even propose anything for the government. The funding came from Indika Group. He said, ”It’s not that the government don’t want to help us, we didn’t propose anything or demand anything. The government had had enough problem and needs, so we should do what we do best: serve our country.”

I remembered what John F. Kennedy once said, and it has become one of the most famous sayings in the world:

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.

Yeah, i know my last blog post was stupid -,- i was speechless in the seminar, thinking what should i do next. But i knew i should do something about my blog post, so i write this as my redemption. Thanks to Mr. Baswedan for his enlightenment and positive energy today, i will do much better in the future! Once again, let’s stop cursing the darkness and start lighting the candles!

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thank you..

If I can write one simple sentence that can be followed with countless sentences, it was “thank you”:
thank you, for making me a better person each and every day;
thank you, for your presence almost each and every night;
thank you, for the attention, the understanding, and the love;
thank you, for making me understood the meaning of sacrifice;
thank you, for making me fall head over heels for your love;
thank you, for your anger, your laugh, and your woe;
and thank you, for giving me the best present I’ve ever had in my life: you.

You, the one and only person in this world that’s almost impossible not to love;
the one and only person that’s so far, yet so close to my heart;
the one and only person that I remember in every breath I take;
the one and only person that I love the most, but can’t ever have for the rest of my life.

I love you, my plumpy Cancerian. Thank you for the amazing birthday present.

Untuk Kamu, dengan Setitik Harapan

mulanya biasa saja
kamu datang dengan biasa
tidak membawa apa-apa
mungkin hanya kepolosan
tapi itu saja, hal yang biasa

hingga tanpa disadari, kamu selalu ada
ketika dunia menindihku, kamu ada
ketika bintang memberikan semua cahayanya, kamu ada
ketika pilu menancapkan perihnya, kamu juga ada

mengherankan memang
dari hal yang biasa, menjadi luar biasa
bagaimana bisa? Mungkin hanya Tuhan yang tahu

kamu bilang, aku adalah ‘hadiah’ dari-Nya
karena itu, kamu menjaga aku
menarik aku setiap aku menghilang
mengejar aku ketika aku berlari

ya, aku memang menghilang dan berlari
dari kamu. Siapa lagi?
Aku menghilang ketika aku sadari, ada yang lain di hati
aku berlari ketika menyadari, ini tak boleh dilanjuti

aku mengambil tindakan irasional
orang bilang, ini tidak masuk akal
tapi orang bodoh ini menjalaninya
dengan setitik harapan, kamu akan menerima

dunia bilang, ini gila
aku bilang, ini cinta

kita tidak akan pernah bisa
aku menyadari itu
seperti dua insan yang melihat satu bulan dari dua benua yang berjauhan
sama, namun dengan perspektif yang berbeda

aku melawan akal sehatku
aku melawan kepercayaanku
untuk kamu, dan hanya kamu
kamu bilang, sayang kita beda
ya, kita mungkin tidak akan bisa

mungkin aku lelah, tapi harapanku terus ada
harapan bahwa satu imaji ini akan tercipta di depan mata
harapan bahwa, suatu saat, entah kapan, kita bisa bersama..


Surabaya, 11 Oktober 2010

Dari Ku, dengan Setitik Harapan..

Filosofi Cicak

Barusan ada cicak yang hampiiir aja jatuh di pundak gw. Lucunya, abis jatoh ntu si cicak buru-buru naik lagi lewat pintu yang ga jauh dari tempat dia jatoh. Pas naik ntu, gw liat buntutnya udah kaga ada. Sebagai orang yang punya sisi psikopat, gw langsung mikir: kasian tu cicak. Udah cicak, cacat pula. Ckckckck..

Tapi setelah gw piker-pikir lagi, tu cicak kan udah biasa tuh ya nangkring di plafon? Bisa jatoh juga dia? Jarang-jarang gw liat cicak jatoh. Pasti dia ketiduran deh, sampe ga konsen nempel di plafon. *apa sih*

Ok, I’m serious now. Seperti yang gw bilang barusan, cicak aja bisa jatoh. Padahal dia udah ngabisin sebagian besar dari hidupnya buat nemplok di dinding atopun plafon. Nah, kalo dianalagikan dengan manusia yang ‘jatuh’ dari sesuatu yang menjadi skill utama dalam hidupnya, jadi suatu hal yang wajar kan? Sama aja kayak peribahasa ‘sepandai-pandainya tupai melompat, pasti akan jatuh juga.’ Well, in this case ‘sepandai-pandainya cicak nempel di plafon, pasti akan jatuh juga.’ Dan peribahasa yang mengikuti di belakangnya adalah ‘sedia payung sebelum cicak jatuh di pundak’. Oke, ngelantur lagi.

Lanjuut ke keadaan si cicak setelah jatoh. Apa yang dilakukan? Dia langsung buru-buru naik ke plafon lagi, padahal buntutnya udah kaga ada, yang gw yakin pasti akan membuat signifikansi sama skill nempel di plafon ntu. Coba direnungin deh. Cicak, yang notabene diinjek sama manusia aja udah mati alias makhluk lemah ntu, semangatnya tinggi banget untuk bertahan di plafon ntu. Who knows, mungkin aja plafon ntu tempat favorit dia buat nemplok, jadi dia berusaha keras buat tetap berada di posisi wenak ntu. Anyhow, I’m impressed by that little thing.

Trus lagi, kecacatannya ntu. Kadang manusia ga puas dengan apa yang udah dia punya. Idung pesek, dagu kurang maju dan ga belah, pantat yang kegedean, perut yang kegendutan, daaan sederetan ‘cacat’ yang dilihat manusia dari dirinya sendiri. Kenapa manusia selalu melihat kekurangannya? Why not try to look at the bright side, and see that you have so much more than mere weaknesses… Coba sekarang manusia yang memiliki tubuh sempurna dan ga kekurangan suatu apapu ngaca, dan di sebelahnya ada orang yang ga punya kaki dan tangan, buta, tuli, bisu, miskin pula. Apa masih mau complain dengan ‘cacat’nya ntu?

Gw deskripsikan si cicak tadi ga punya buntut. Oke, mungkin cuma buntut, tapi gw yakin itu akan ngaruh banget sama nempelnya di plafon. Tapi toh dia tetep bersemangat buat kembali ke plafon ntu? Mungkin itu animal instinct, tapi kadang manusia terlalu terpusat sama human instinctnya sampe lupa sama hal-hal simple tapi penting yang dipunya sama si binatang.

Oh well.

Ketika Eksistensi Dipertanyakan..

well, gw rasa judul yang gw pake terlalu ‘berat’ untuk sesuatu yang sebenarnya sangat simpel..

apapun lah, gw cuma pengen merenungkan tentang hal ini, dengan bertanya jawab dengan diri gw sendiri…

“Hei, sebenarnya apa eksistensi itu?”

“Eksistensi? Hmmm.. Kalo gw pikir sih eksistensi itu ada tidaknya diri kita.. Diliat dari kata dasarnya, yaitu eksis (dih, ngasal banget gw), kan berarti ada, bisa dilihat dengan mata, bisa dibuktikan keberadaannya. Iya kan?”

“Iya sih.. Tapi apakah hanya dengan cara itu eksistensi seseorang bisa dibuktikan?”

“Hmm? Maksudnya?”

“Yaah katakanlah, dua orang manusia yang tidak pernah bertemu sebelumnya sudah berbagi banyak hal, mulai dari hal yang biasa sampe hal yang bisa dibilang cukup pribadi. Kenapa hal itu bisa terjadi? Padahal orang yang satu kan ga tau eksistensi dari orang yang diajak berkomunikasi itu?”

“Iya ya.. Jadi cukup meragukan ya..”

“Iya kan? Bisa aja dia jadi meragukan eksistensi lawan bicaranya itu.”

“Memang. Tapi bukankah manusia sebenarnya hanyalah makhluk sosial yang hanya membutuhkan orang lain? Entah itu untuk bercerita, berdebat, bahkan bertengkar sekalipun. It takes two to tango, right?”

“Betul juga.. Tapi ketika eksistensi itu dipertanyakan, lalu bagaimana? Jika si A memang benar-benar ada, dan ia juga yakin bahwa si B benar-benar ada, tapi bagaimana si A bisa tau kalo si B juga ada? Bukankah eksistensi si B tidak jelas? Bisa saja si B hanyalah khayalan dari si A, alias teman imajinernya. Iya kan?”

“Sangat masuk akal, karena manusia memang memiliki tendensi untuk tidak mempercayai suatu hal tanpa melihatnya dengan mata kepalanya sendiri.”


“Yaah walaupun di zaman yang katanya serba modern ini komunikasi semakin mudah dan tanpa batas, tetap saja susah untuk membuktikan eksistensi itu tanpa melihatnya secara langsung.”

“Hmmmm.. Kan sekarang ada web-cam. Bisa aja kaan?”

“Hahahahaha.. Kalaupun menggunakan web-cam, akan lebih menyenangkan dengan bertatap muka secara langsung kan? Misalkan saja, dua subjek yang kita bicarakan tadi, si A dan si B, sedang bertengkar. Bukankah emosi si A akan lebih mudah tersampaikan dengan memukul B secara langsung? Atau, jika si B ingin menenangkan si A yang sedang down, bukankah maksud si B akan lebih tersampaikan dengan memegang tangan si A dan berkata, ‘Kamu kenapa? Ceritakan semuanya.. Aku di sini…’ daripada hanya mengirim sms berisikan ‘Sabar ya..’?”

“Mmmm konteks kita kan pake web-cam tadi? Kok dimasukin sms juga? Ga efisien dong?”

“Itu kan contooooh. Misalnya aja gitu. Apalagi jika si A sedang sakit, dan si B ga bisa berbuat banyak untuk membuat si A merasa lebih baik.. Bukannya itu menyakitkan?”

“Bener banget.. Emang sakit banget rasanya kalo kita ga bisa berbuat banyak ketika orang yang kita sayang lagi sakit..”

“See? Gw rasa lu cukup mengerti apa maksud gw.”

“Iya, tapi… Gimana kalo lagi-lagi jarak yang memisahkan? Dan teknologi komunikasi tidak lagi mampu untuk memperkecil jarak itu?”

“Tenang aja, kan masih ada teknologi transportasi?”

“Kalo dihalangi dengan edukasi? Dan ekonomi?”

“Ha? Apa hubungannya edukasi, ekonomi, sama komunikasi?”

“Yaela, masa gitu aja ga ngerti? Edukasi itu kan pendidikan, berarti waktu untuk komunikasi itu terhalang oleh urgensi edukasi. Ngerti kan maksudnya?”

“Hooo iya iya. Trus kalo ekonomi?”

“Ya duit laaah. Zaman sekarang mana bisa gitu tanpa duit?”

“Hahahahahaha.. Jadi maksudnya terhalang oleh waktu dan keadaan ekonomi? Bahasa lu ribet banget sih?”

“Yee.. Boleh dong gw rada ilmiah dikit.”

“Well, i think it’s just a matter of time. Kalo memang akan ketemu, suatu saat juga akan ketemu. Semuanya dimulai dengan niat, dan kalo Tuhan memang berkenan, jalan itu pasti dibukakan. Bukannya Tuhan memberikan apa yang kita butuhkan, bukan yang kita inginkan?”

“Tapi sampai kapan? Gimana kalo eksistensi itu mulai diragukan, hingga keragu-raguan itu yang tersisa?”

“Manusia bisa berharap, namun cuma Tuhan kan yang bisa mengabulkan? Hanya Tuhan yang tahu kapan waktu itu akan datang..”


kayaknya sekarang udah jarang banget ya gw post blog? ga bisa dibilang sibuk juga sih sebenernya, tapi karena keterbatasan media untuk ngepost (baca: no inet connection in da house!). jadiiii, karena hari ini saya udah bisa connect inet dan seperti kebanyakan orang yang memiliki inet baru, pasti jadi banci internet 😛

oh well, apapun alasannya gw bisa posting blog kali ini, ga asik kan yaaa kalo ga cerita-cerita? ok, let the story begins 🙂

jadi, beberapa malam yang lalu, lagi telponan sama si dd tersayang, dan dia bilang kalo dia liat blog gw. well, i’m amazed actually.. i did put my blog address on my facebook profile, but i didn’t know that people actually read it! ok, i know it’s stupid to have that thought.. *getok kepala pake godam*

anyway, dia nanya beberapa hal tentang beberapa post (yang ga akan gw ceritakan di sini tentunya) dan dia bilang hidup gw menarik. hmmm… sebenarnya menarik dari mananya yaa, cinta? gw sadar manusia ga akan pernah puas sama apa yang dia punya, dan begitu pun gw. gw selalu merasa kurang sama apa yang gw punya. wajar kan? hey, i’m a realist 😛

tapi ternyata ketika seseorang membaca blog gw dan bilang hidup gw menarik, gw jadi bingung. menarik yang kaya gimana sih? faktor-faktor seperti apa yang menentukan hidup seseorang itu menarik atau tidak? bagaimana kita bisa tahu seseorang itu memiliki hidup yang menyenangkan, memilukan, atau seperti yang dd saya katakan, menarik?

kata ‘menarik’ sendiri menurut gw adalah suatu kata yang ambiguistis, dia tidak dapat menjelaskan apakah ia berkonotasi positif atau negatif, tapi tergantung pada kacamata si penghasil kata alias orang yang mengucapkan. lalu, bagaimana jika gw sendiri yang mengucapkan kata tersebut?

hidup saya menarik.

oke, gw akuin gw termenung di depan monitor tanpa tahu apa yang gw anggap menarik dari hidup gw… bukannya ga mensyukuri apa yang gw punya lho yaa. gw bersyukur akan apa yang gw punya. tapi, kembali kepada kenyataan bahwa seorang manusia tidak akan pernah puas akan apa yang dia punya, bahkan ketika dia sudah memiliki dunia dalam genggamannya.

kembali pada pertanyaan yang belum terjawab. apa yang menjadi faktor-faktor penentu hidup seseorang itu menarik?

apakah menarik = distinct?

dan gw masih belum mendapatkan jawabannya…